DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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