She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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