It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
