im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
