I can tuck mytits in my pants
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
