my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
