Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
