I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
