He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
