im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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