it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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