small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
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All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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