Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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