nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
