just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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