i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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