My nipple is on Facebook.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
