oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
