what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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