When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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