Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
