I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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