I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
