took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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