ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
