I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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