history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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