So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I deserve this hangover.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
