I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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