Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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