and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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