You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
