i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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