i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Pappa wants mamma naked
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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