who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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