I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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