I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
