eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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