I don't usually arrange sex via text message
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
