Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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