haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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