I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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