My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
