So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
