Please, let me fuck your mom
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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