He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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