We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
