my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
