My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
