Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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