i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
