My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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