dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
