So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
