one two three fourrrrnication!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
