i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
