I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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