You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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