sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
