she woke up with a sticky ear
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
